Amor Fati

I suppose I should have updated this blog. It has been a year since I have posted. I figured it would be easier to start on a clean slate. I have created a new blog in wordpress called Amor Fati.

I am running. Not with out many injuries and trials. I have registered for the My way Tri way in August. I am also working on running at 13.1 in September. Please join me on my journey!!

One year later…

2013 will end in less than 60 minutes. I sit here with a nice fire and a Garnacha in my hand,  eagerly awaiting 2014’s arrival. A fresh new slate, complete with a New Years Day full moon and new goals to chase.  

As I reflect upon the last year I am experiencing a feeling of what I describe as magenta. Not angry, sad, happy or elated. It is almost like a mix of all the emotions. I have strength beyond what I have ever imagined, as well as weaknesses I never knew I had and I have to work on. I have watched an  anger grow beyond my own grasp which I never knew I could tangle with, but I tangle every day. I have also learned about constant pain, both physical and emotional to include loss,  and how to appreciate good days with no pain. Also,how to appreciate the bad days and embrace them as well.  This year, I learned to smile, even when I was breaking down on the inside with misery. I learned how to watch TV again . I resisted, but finally gave in. I learned how to not always go, not always be active ( and it killed me) Sloth comes to mind. This past 2013 was really a year from hell on all levels, physically, mentally, financially and all the above.

My son, he learned too. He learned what it was like to almost loose his mother and he learned as best he could to be in the care of almost perfect strangers. Through-out the year he learned what happens when his mama gets depressed and looses patience. He saw happiness drain out of his home on a few occasions this year. He learned about the what-ifs of possible loss. He witnessed part of me die from loosing my ability to run and what that loss has actually done for everyone around me.  As a result  of this past year and all its wonderful ups and downs, he too has learned, grown and suffered.

So,here I sit, with my Granacha, my fire, and my dog and my amazingly patient son, waiting for the New Year and a new beginning. ( This I tell myself, it helps, that things will change , it is all perspective–right?)

 I had to wrap my ankle tonight and I still can not walk normal. Took the dog on a chilly night walk and among the clear skies and crisp air I saw a lone coyote and wasn’t afraid anymore. Saw a huge buck deer, wasn’t  afraid. We camped alone this year, and I was not afraid, or I just do not care anymore?  I have to keep moving forward and I do keep moving forward, despite the depression, the loss, the anger, because  after  twelve months  of experiencing this up and down crap, dealing with good days and then incredibly bad days, dealing with facing death and or loss of limb, facing the “what-ifs” of not ever being able to run again ( which are becoming a reality, some days I can not walk right at all). Dealing with and accepting the disappointment from folks I have been forced to depend on, and realizing even after the fact, just because they are assholes, does not mean the whole world is full of assholes– but still treading lightly.  

 I have come to the conclusion that bitching about it, crying about it, venting about it, does nothing but push people away. I am alone out here–out west-and I have not met many caring , kind, honest people in my experience so far. Very few and those I cherish. They are keepers and they are so very very rare and are such beautiful angels.  Basically– it hasn’t been easy. I am not trying to be negative I am just being very realistic.  It still hurts. Both my heart and my leg. I never thought I would be here writing what I just did a whole year later. That Doctor told me I would be up and running three months tops.  Fucking liar.

My surgery happened in November of 2012 and I rang in the 2013 new year on crutches and in a wheel chair and on morphine. I can walk today. I guess I am my own worst enemy because everyone tells me I should just be grateful I can walk. WHY is that so hard for me to accept? I am grateful, but very sad because I have accepted the fact that I will never run the way I used to run. I still may run one day, after the tibialis tendinitis goes away and the nerve pain stops.

I guess I am not explaining my personal struggles with all this in a understandable way. As I live here with almost no support I feel I am truly alone in my plight. I am truly alone–“aint we all” ? However, being in the situation I was in this past year, I learned fast and quick to depend on near strangers. THAT was a hard move for me, but I was forced. As I knew from past experiences and from living life itself,  there is always a motive from the depended upon party ( at least in my life) I learned it never changes whether you are 20 or 40. Men suck, women suck, dogs rule, bottom line.  

I do realize I get paid a crap salary, but I do love what I do. Yet so many obstacle’s are in my way with getting help. For example, I pay for health insurance, but after that, I cant afford the fucking co-pay to get the proper help on a weekly basis, that is if I want to eat and put gas in my car. But I kept moving forward and the anger grows.

I learned how to adapt with out running almost every day for an entire year. Yes, I managed a fun run in June and that was fabulous. Utterly orgasmic!! After that I was destroyed and have not been able to run for the last  6 months. I have struggled terribly with this leg.

I learned to freely use the word fuck on a daily basis and I honestly do not care what it sounds like.

2014 will be different. 2014 will be the beginning of a new year, a new perspective and I will achieve new goals. I will continue to learn to find myself–as a non-runner.


Where I am. And it sucks.

I am forced to accept the fact that I can not run. In fact, I do these bizarre things to try and  not think about how I can not run. It has been hard to try to replace the release I gained from running.  camp

Like camping alone, kayaking and fishing is even close…that is really funny, as it is not working,  but I try to rationalize it and make it so. I try to force it into working for me, I am failing.   Since camping , fishing and kayaking is not working to replace my running, I decided to drink more.  I drink a lot of wine now! More than I used to. I am not a complete alcoholic yet. I really would rather run instead. However–it is turning into my crutch.

Cam and I went camping alone last week. It was the first time we camped ALONE together since he was three years old. Although the sunrise and sunset were beautiful, I couldn’t hike, run or do my “normal activities” as heavy lifting and  walking hurts after a while. I did it all anyway.

Seven years ago, we went camping ,when he was three. We woke up with snow on our tent. We were on a friends land, but that didn’t make it any “safer” it was still in the middle of no where.  Cameron does not remember the experience.

This time, he will remember a beautiful sunrise, a warm evening and a great breakfast.  We ended up at cottonwood Lake. Way up the trail, because I am not afraid of cold and I do not want him to be afraid of “cold” nights, as that is the normal when camping in Colorado. We drove up to the tree line on country rd. 306–up up up, we drove….as we did not want to be around people.

We found a spectacular spot. Away from people, near a creek.   I could not believe our luck.kayak

The minute we set up, I wanted to go hike, BUT—-my lovely ankle decided I should sit in the chair and start a fire. So that is what I did. However, I wanted to hike, walk, anything other than sit!!! I can not sit for long, even of it hurts to walk.  So we decided after a while,  to go Kayak in the lake. We fished and kayaked ( no luck with catching fish as I left the worms in the cooler) Kayaking gave my arms and abs a good work out.

I just can not stand having my ability to run–ripped—-from me and I struggle with my frustration and inability to run.  The Orthopedic doctor called to make sure I would make my appointment and I cancelled. At 50 bucks a pop, I am just angry–I told them ” ya know what–I cant fucking afford it”  Cant afford the god damn co pays so I am trying to heal myself. I am paying 50 bucks a pop for physical therapy that I have already done and to go to pay someone to tell me to RE-DO what the first PT told me to do—-well, I can do it on my own.

The secretary wasn’t that nice after my response and I really don’t care about her opinion or attitude.  After-all, I don’t want to get into how much I pay a month for health insurance that I can not even afford to use because of co-pays.

Back to camping. It is a happier place to be than where I have been with my inability to run. I am at a place now where I think I need to let it go and start biking at the Y. Focusing on swimming and perhaps a Bike, run Bike bi, or a swim bike swim Tri.

I can handle the Tri’s because everything is broken up and it is not all run run ( which I prefer) but beggars can not be chooser’s. I continue with my daily exercises with an empty heart, a doubtful heart.  A very sad heart. I crunch my toes, I do calf stretches, I wear my special insoles, I do my hip /leg lifts every day.  I walk the dog–and it still hurts. I keep going. I keep going. God Damn it–I just keep on going–and, I am not sure how long it will last. Not sure how much longer I can keep going.

I drink more though. Way more than I ever have. I do not have another release, as running was my release, and ,now that it is obsolete in my life, wine has replaced it. It sucks. Maybe more sunrises like these will keep me hanging in there and one day I will get back to my normal running life–maybe one day. Part of me has hope–and in the meantime, I can focus on the sunrises….for now. Cheers!



ShoesToday, I feel like a character from the movie Beetle Juice.  I am no “fashionista” by any means. Since I am stuck having to wear a new pair of sneakers that have special orthotics in them with every outfit I own, my clashing might only get worse as the days and weeks go by.

Today  I  just threw on a dress  that totally clashes with my foot wear. It is kind of messing with my flow–as it  has not been an easy going Friday.  So throwing my feet onto my desk for lunch and writing a fast blog might help?

Yesterday I went to my first PT appointment. I felt like I had Deja-vu–tracing my ABC’s with my big toe, crunching towels, but yay–no big blue rubber band this time. I learned a few new tricks with ice. Now instead of sticking my entire foot into a bucket of ice when I swell up, I am freezing dixie cups with water in them, I can apply the ice back and forth on the tendon, like butter on a corn cobb, with-in minutes I will have numbness and reduction of swelling.

During the appointment, I just felt very aggravated at having to re-do everything I have already done once in physical therapy. However, this time is different. My gate is better and I am much stronger, obviously. My hips are weak. Always having to work on my hips. Yesterday’s PT  made me remember how at one point I seriously thought, “this is it, I’m a cripple forever.” I remembered not being able to walk at all.  I look down at my legs now and there is no more edema or atrophy.  There is just a scar.

I got my shoe inserts too. I am supposed to cook them in the oven at 200* and then mold them to my feet. I was too busy to get that done yesterday, maybe tonight I can cook my inserts. I must admit, today is the first day in a LONG TIME that I can walk with-out pain.  I seriously have minimal pain.  This gives me hope.  If all I have to do is throw fashion out the window–than I am really lucky!!

And today—-I am not limping at all. My weight is distributed equally as I walk. I have no pain.

I learned that this diagnosis is usually treated as an over-use injury. Many many people ( runners) experience tibial tendonitis it at one time in their running career. After learning this little bit of information, I am able to really gauge a time frame to my healing, a realistic time frame. This makes me very happy.  The PT mentioned that my muscles are very strong and with PT 3x a day combined  with a more stable shoe with special inserts, I should be back in no time, running.

I still feel like a character from the Beetle Juice movie–maybe stripes are not my thing. Either way—Im moving forward!

Run for your Lives!!

I got down and dirty in June. I ran an obstacle race called “Run For Your Lives” a Zombie Apocalypse fun run. Grouprun

I was so happy being covered in mud! I have never experienced an obstacle race before. I once signed up for the Tough Mudder, but never made it.  I know that the Zombie Run is nothing  in comparison to the Tough Mudder. It sure was fun though.

This fun run was very fitting because the entire time I was healing and sitting in my chair in my living-room, I managed to start watching the Walking Dead on Netflix. So when June 2013 rolled around, I was extremely excited to be getting chased by zombies. What a rush! I didn’t get to meet any Darryl Dixon  bad boy with a Harley and bow, but ya know—it was still fun. If you look close, I am in the front of this group, running for my life with a huge smile plastered on my face amongst the mud and sweat in temps past 95 degrees. Gotta love Denver.

Let me just tell you that doing a low crawl in mud under barb wire ( which my hair did get stuck in) with out getting screamed at by drill sergeants was so sweet! However, doing a low crawl in mud under barb wire with whiny people going real slow and complaining because they are getting muddy—Ill take the screaming drill sergeants any-day. I had a blast. I lost my running partners along the way, something about it being too hot.   Back in June, I discovered that once I start running, if I stop, the pain is horrible and may stop me from even walking. So I set out to start and finish with out stopping. zZombrun

Finish I did! I didnt survive the Apocalypse, but I got through the race. Proudly covered in mud, electrified and shocked along the way. ( that felt like someone punching me dead center in my back–uff)  I was slightly disappointed at the fact that there really was no competition in this run, most people in fact walked in-between obstacles, I think very few people, including myself, were running the entire 5k. Most of them were fat, so they really needed to be running.

Now I know I wont be signing up for fun runs in the future unless it is to raise money for some cause. I like the competition of running. I liked running from zombies too–some of them were intensely creepy.

After experiencing this fun run this past June, I originally planned on setting bigger goals and possibly trying to squeeze in a TRI in 2013. I tried getting my miles back up to 10k plus. I started doing the incline every Sunday, and running down Barr trail. It was going well until my plans were thwarted once again by complications with my ankle. I have not run since July 18th. Some days I can not even walk my dog, due to a diagnosis of Tibialis Tendinitus. I am not sure yet if it is anterior or posterior. I will be going to physical therapy —again.  the good news is, that so far , from what I have read about tibialis tendinitus ,is that it can be fixed with out surgery and with just some more time and strength, I will be able to run my races…if I do it right.

More about that in another post.  I hope that this fun run was not my last run. If it is, than I can at-least say it was a fun one.



Running alone

Often I think one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made was getting the surgery that got me into this mess. Then I think that is a silly thought, I had a fracture and a 4mm piece of bone floating around in my body, and I could not walk, of course I had to get the surgery and everything happens for a reason.

I get angry over contracting an infection as well.

Sometimes the universe or God or some thing allows you to see why things happen. As a result of the surgery 7 months ago, I guess I had an experience that is considered close to death–at least it seemed that way, with the urgency involved and the priest coming to anoint me  among many other things, like the fact that I came pretty close to almost losing my leg.

Just going through that experience I have really changed. I am continuing to grow and go forward on this spiritual, personal path to better health and happiness.

Granted, I can not run every day anymore but—-I can run.  I should be grateful, but it just pisses me off that I can not run daily. My problem is not  being able to pull back and step on the brakes. Since I quit smoking over 60 days ago, I have been gaining weight.  I have gained over 15 lbs  in a short two months time. Now I can not allow myself to get fat. I refuse. For me, gaining weight is not an option. I refuse to let it happen. After all I have been through I will be damned if I become fat.

My pants are not fitting around the waste. Breasts? Oh lets talk about that craziness.  Now I understand why some women have had to wear two sports bras to run. Living a life with breasts that seem to be engorged 24/7 while not pregnant, is no way to live because they can not be drained! The ache is constant.  I do not want huge boobs. The 15 lbs seemed to go right to my waste and my chest. It sucks.

I decided to try a juice fast at one point. A three-day fast of only drinking juice. What defeated me was a three-day headache that was so bad on the third day that I had to call in sick to work. However, I felt slightly better as a result of the fast I could not finish. It did something besides give me a headache I am sure.

I only know to lose weight by running .  I have never had to count calories. I have never had to diet. So imagine my frustration at wanting to run daily, but only able to run every 3 or 4 days due to ankle pain. Imagine my frustration, when I have all this endurance power, I can charge the inclines and the hills like a kamikaze trooper, but now my leg hurts past 5 miles and the decline is my defeat.Even if I do a short 2 miles, the next day I can not run. I even put my entire foot into a bucket of ice every time I run.

Since quitting smoking, I am able to run with unbelievable endurance and stamina. Only problem is, my ankle and my muscles in my leg and that pain reaches all the way up to my hip, and in to my back. I still run. I refuse to stop. I suppose I have much more to learn. Perhaps I am using running as a crutch to not smoking and or I am also addicted to running and yadda yadda yadda yahh! There is always something.

What am I suppose to do, sit around watch tv, eat chips and become a fat cow?

What has been getting on my nerves since I quit smoking and since I started on this healthy living path, is that it is incredibly hard to find others who have the same interests as I do. Others who  consider hiking up the Manitou incline a fun day and good reason to celebrate with a FEW glasses of wine NOT a whole gallon. Who consider entering, training for and running a race a party instead of bar hopping.  Who are also parents–and who care about and act upon living an active lifestyle.

I guess I am feeling lonely on this journey.I suppose I have turned into “one of them people”  Whatever that means.

Running hurts, yes and  I love to run, I also would LOVE to do more triathlons and  talk often about it. I find that other people do not like to hear about my quit smoking progress because they still smoke. No one wants to hear about my goals to continue to try to run a half marathon and no one wants to hear about my fears of not reaching those goals.  I get replies about hiking the Manitou incline as if it is a stupidly insane thing to do to your body.

I believe making excuses about being obese and over weight is the same damn thing as being addicted to cigarettes. I smoked for 28 years. I was not only a junkie, I was also too lazy to quit. It takes energy and effort to make lifestyle changes and it takes determination and desire to do it. No matter what it is, smoking, weight loss, addiction–it takes action to change. Is everyone around me lazy? Will I forever be this lonely, because I can not find many people who think like I do.

Maybe I am the crazy one. I am starting to think I might be. Even after everything I have been through in these last 7 months, maybe the morphine did something to my brain.

I almost died, so I do not think I am the crazy one. I think I just see differently now and I believe I will find like-minded people soon. I hope it will be soon. I am getting tired of running alone.

28 years..this is a long post.

I have not written for about a month. I have been busy focusing on improving my health. Since the surgery, the infection and the depression, I have thought long and hard about my life. About the direction it is going and what I am doing. I have thought about my spirituality, my longevity, my past, present and future. I do not like all of it. I have healed and grown from my past. I am stuck in my present, I mean stuck, like stuck on a few personal issues, I must learn to move forward.

I have accepted the fact that I will probably never run a marathon. Even typing that statement breaks my heart.  I doubt that I will be able to and get away injury free. I can not risk another surgery because my head and heart want to run. It hurts me to even hike, let alone run.  I am slowly giving up and giving in to the reality that I just probably will never be able to run a marathon or even a half for that matter.

I have run frequently since my last post.  My last run was five days ago in the Garden. It was four miles in fact. I wish we had flat ground here. There is no starting out small in Colorado because it is all hills. So it seems. I have not run in about five days. As I am in pain, and I am pretty sure that I will be in pain for the rest of my life. It is just what I deserve from a fucked up surgery that resulted with a fucked up infection it all fits well with my fucked up life. I guess my karma sucks, not sure what I did or failed to do along the way. I accept it. Nothing else I can do.

The good thing in all this? If there can be anything good as a result, is that I quit smoking. After 28 years of a slow suicide, I have finally quit. All this injury and healing combined  has changed me permanently. I guess the best way to quit this nasty habit is to undergo 5 surgeries in one week and be threatened with loosing a limb? Maybe, it kinda worked for me. However, I do not recommend it as a quit smoking aid.

I learned so much about addiction and as a result, it has changed my life permanently. I accepted the fact that I am no different from a heroin addict, or an alcoholic. I am no different from a crack head, a coke head or a crank head. Nicotine is as addictive, if not more addictive, than heroine and crack, and I beat it. I am a junkie. A nicotine junkie and  I will be one forever, for right now I am free.

It started in the hospital, I couldn’t smoke so I was taking nicorette lozenges. Then when I got out of the hospital after a week, I didn’t smoke and continued to take the nicotine replacement therapy. Which only perpetuated my failure, it assisted in my failure because I was only feeding my addiction with nicotine. So I slowly ended up smoking. With-in two weeks I was back up to smoking 15 to 20 cigarettes a day.

 As everyone knows, smoking slows healing, especially muscular and nerve healing. So I was only slowing  my recovery and continuing to damage my body. I began juicing. Which had a huge effect on my quit because juicing naturally detoxifies your body. Soon after I started juicing twice a day, I naturally began rejecting caffeine, and then sugar. I noticed, I did not want to smoke as much. I cut way back on the wine.

Many other factors added up and contributed to the actual day I quit smoking. One being posts from friends reporting their successful quit dates 1 month, 2 months, 3 months and it was the 100 days smoke free post that finally kick started me on a quit. I thought, Wow, I wish I could say that.

I had this anxiety that would not go away since I contracted the infection. I thought it was because of the morphine, the antibiotics and the infection. What it really was high blood pressure from smoking. ( and probably age)

By the time I figured this out, I was terrified. Terrified because I can remember the feelings I had when my bp was really high and it was often I felt this way. I figured it out and checked it at the grocery store and it was 177/119. I was on my way to a stroke! I will never forget the pharmacist telling me that I am a pretty lady, he would hate to see me with drool down my face and unable to talk or walk because of a stroke. He recommended I go to the hospital then and there.  This was on a Thursday evening I came home after having it checked and never bought another pack of cigarettes again.

However, that does not mean I did not continue to inject my body with nicotine randomly over the next three days via “nrt'”s and the occasional bummed smoke. So it was not until I really learned about addiction: what it is, how my brain is affected, how my body reacts to withdrawal and how this  addiction to nicotine had such a strong hold of my mind , body and spirit.  I finally chose to put a complete stop to my suicide. In other words, I educated myself, gave myself a slap in the face masters degree in knowledge of addiction and learned the Law of Addiction. Never Take Another Puff.  I learned all this through a website called “” when I was researching high blood pressure.  Imagine that.

It was Monday, April 22nd at 8:OO AM that I stopped allowing nicotine into my body and I officially quit all forms of nicotine.

It has not been easy. It has been almost 5 weeks that I quit smoking and I quit nicotine. I feel great. I have learned so much on this journey and it is not all related to running, obviously. I can only hope I am able to walk away unscathed by poisoning my body for 28 years.  To date I have been free for 4 weeks, 6 days and have saved $213.25. I have smoked 690 less cigarettes and have saved 5 days of my life. I am still green in my quit. It take more than 30 days to have a strong quit after smoking for 28 years. However, I am growing stronger every-day. I am very proud of myself. VERY PROUD.

These are real changes I have experienced so far:

I no longer stink. I can breathe. I have unbelievable stamina on my runs, especially up hills. I am not sure how I used to run long runs when I smoked, but I did. I have more confidence. I am calm. I have less anxiety. My skin looks and feels healthier. My hair is healthier.  I am able to concentrate and focus. I have more time on my hands. I can taste my food. I sleep deeper. I sleep less but feel more rested. It is easy to wake up in the morning, in fact, I wake before the alarm every day.  I wake up happy. I go to sleep happy. I am just happier. I managed to lower my blood pressure to normal with out man-made medicine. My circulation has improved. My lungs are clearing out and I am now hardly coughing. ( for a few weeks, I thought I might die from coughing) I have incredible energy. I can smell everything, I can smell the rain and I can smell a person smoking from 2 miles away ( kidding, maybe just two blocks)

I feel guilty for stinking up the air for 28 years. I can not stand the smell of smoke or smokers now. I feel like a hypocrite, but I can not help myself, I hate the smell. I feel as though I have been stuck on stupid for 28 years. When I see people smoking, I see them as stuck on stupid too. I still get cravings, but they are psychological and as long as I do not fixate on the crave, it will not last long. I have daily triggers.

Once I live through each trigger, it will not occur again. For example, the after dinner smoke, the driving the car smoke. the after a run smoke. The smoke with a glass of wine. Around the campfire, walking the dog, before bed, first thing in the morning. smoke breaks at work. after sex smoke ( yeah right as if that…never-mind) there are thousands of triggers. Whatever the triggers are, I have defeated many of them to date. There will always be triggers. I accept that and have to learn to live with it for a while.


What I have learned is, that it is all one big lie and the doctors and tobacco industry want to help you live that lie. I really believe that. I am not one to go into conspiracy theories, and this is no conspiracy. It is a fact. The Doctors and the tobacco industry want to “help” you quit, by giving you free nicotine replacement therapy, when it is not only the 4000 cancer causing agents in a cigarette that is killing you. It is also nicotine!

The main thing you are addicted to is nicotine, so how in the hell is sticking a patch on your arm or chewing gum HELPING you quit this addiction???  This idea, to push these NRT’s  is just repulsive to me.  It is a scam. It is an insult to anyone who has common sense. It doesn’t work! Yet, Doctors and Quit lines and everyone pushes NRT’S or quit smoking aids. When all they need is a slap in the face education and knowledge about addiction.

With this entire experience, from day one, I have pissed Doctors off. I did not intend to piss them off. All I did was question everything.  I really had a very hard time when I was in the hospital with the doctors who thought they were GOD. Well, I decided I do not care about the Doctors feelings or ego or degrees, because they usually do not care about your feelings, your ego or the number of degrees you may or may not hold. I decided to just stand my ground with them. I do not discount the fact they are Doctors and yes, they know what they are doing in most cases. BUT my body is my body and I know my body better than any doctor alive. When I went to my Doctor this last time, he wanted to put me on high blood pressure medicine. I shared my idea with him. I told him, instead of the medicine ( because those pills have side effects, and it would just be the beginning of me contributing more and more money to the pharmaceutical industries bank account) I told him I would like to try my own way, that I will quit smoking and juice a beat daily and see if my BP drops to normal. He told me that juicers were quacks. So I am now a duck? umm yeah well ok.

He also replied, “I can supply you with some patches to help you quit”. I looked at him and asked him, “How can I successfully quit if I am pumping my self full of the very thing I am trying to quit?”  He said: “I just don’t want your blood pressure to increase when you have a bad craving for a cigarette”.  I can not thank him enough for this short conversation. I will never forget it. He drove the nail into my quit. He sure did.

I will never give another dime to the tobacco industry or the pharmaceutical industry to help them make billions and billions of dollars off of addictions that they perpetuate. I quit cold turkey, and I am sure they do not appreciate the  thousands of dollars not going into their accounts.  That,  I feel good about.