2013 will end in less than 60 minutes. I sit here with a nice fire and a Garnacha in my hand, eagerly awaiting 2014’s arrival. A fresh new slate, complete with a New Years Day full moon and new goals to chase.
As I reflect upon the last year I am experiencing a feeling of what I describe as magenta. Not angry, sad, happy or elated. It is almost like a mix of all the emotions. I have strength beyond what I have ever imagined, as well as weaknesses I never knew I had and I have to work on. I have watched an anger grow beyond my own grasp which I never knew I could tangle with, but I tangle every day. I have also learned about constant pain, both physical and emotional to include loss, and how to appreciate good days with no pain. Also,how to appreciate the bad days and embrace them as well. This year, I learned to smile, even when I was breaking down on the inside with misery. I learned how to watch TV again . I resisted, but finally gave in. I learned how to not always go, not always be active ( and it killed me) Sloth comes to mind. This past 2013 was really a year from hell on all levels, physically, mentally, financially and all the above.
My son, he learned too. He learned what it was like to almost loose his mother and he learned as best he could to be in the care of almost perfect strangers. Through-out the year he learned what happens when his mama gets depressed and looses patience. He saw happiness drain out of his home on a few occasions this year. He learned about the what-ifs of possible loss. He witnessed part of me die from loosing my ability to run and what that loss has actually done for everyone around me. As a result of this past year and all its wonderful ups and downs, he too has learned, grown and suffered.
So,here I sit, with my Granacha, my fire, and my dog and my amazingly patient son, waiting for the New Year and a new beginning. ( This I tell myself, it helps, that things will change , it is all perspective–right?)
I had to wrap my ankle tonight and I still can not walk normal. Took the dog on a chilly night walk and among the clear skies and crisp air I saw a lone coyote and wasn’t afraid anymore. Saw a huge buck deer, wasn’t afraid. We camped alone this year, and I was not afraid, or I just do not care anymore? I have to keep moving forward and I do keep moving forward, despite the depression, the loss, the anger, because after twelve months of experiencing this up and down crap, dealing with good days and then incredibly bad days, dealing with facing death and or loss of limb, facing the “what-ifs” of not ever being able to run again ( which are becoming a reality, some days I can not walk right at all). Dealing with and accepting the disappointment from folks I have been forced to depend on, and realizing even after the fact, just because they are assholes, does not mean the whole world is full of assholes– but still treading lightly.
I have come to the conclusion that bitching about it, crying about it, venting about it, does nothing but push people away. I am alone out here–out west-and I have not met many caring , kind, honest people in my experience so far. Very few and those I cherish. They are keepers and they are so very very rare and are such beautiful angels. Basically– it hasn’t been easy. I am not trying to be negative I am just being very realistic. It still hurts. Both my heart and my leg. I never thought I would be here writing what I just did a whole year later. That Doctor told me I would be up and running three months tops. Fucking liar.
My surgery happened in November of 2012 and I rang in the 2013 new year on crutches and in a wheel chair and on morphine. I can walk today. I guess I am my own worst enemy because everyone tells me I should just be grateful I can walk. WHY is that so hard for me to accept? I am grateful, but very sad because I have accepted the fact that I will never run the way I used to run. I still may run one day, after the tibialis tendinitis goes away and the nerve pain stops.
I guess I am not explaining my personal struggles with all this in a understandable way. As I live here with almost no support I feel I am truly alone in my plight. I am truly alone–“aint we all” ? However, being in the situation I was in this past year, I learned fast and quick to depend on near strangers. THAT was a hard move for me, but I was forced. As I knew from past experiences and from living life itself, there is always a motive from the depended upon party ( at least in my life) I learned it never changes whether you are 20 or 40. Men suck, women suck, dogs rule, bottom line.
I do realize I get paid a crap salary, but I do love what I do. Yet so many obstacle’s are in my way with getting help. For example, I pay for health insurance, but after that, I cant afford the fucking co-pay to get the proper help on a weekly basis, that is if I want to eat and put gas in my car. But I kept moving forward and the anger grows.
I learned how to adapt with out running almost every day for an entire year. Yes, I managed a fun run in June and that was fabulous. Utterly orgasmic!! After that I was destroyed and have not been able to run for the last 6 months. I have struggled terribly with this leg.
I learned to freely use the word fuck on a daily basis and I honestly do not care what it sounds like.
2014 will be different. 2014 will be the beginning of a new year, a new perspective and I will achieve new goals. I will continue to learn to find myself–as a non-runner.