Where I am. And it sucks.

I am forced to accept the fact that I can not run. In fact, I do these bizarre things to try and  not think about how I can not run. It has been hard to try to replace the release I gained from running.  camp

Like camping alone, kayaking and fishing is even close…that is really funny, as it is not working,  but I try to rationalize it and make it so. I try to force it into working for me, I am failing.   Since camping , fishing and kayaking is not working to replace my running, I decided to drink more.  I drink a lot of wine now! More than I used to. I am not a complete alcoholic yet. I really would rather run instead. However–it is turning into my crutch.

Cam and I went camping alone last week. It was the first time we camped ALONE together since he was three years old. Although the sunrise and sunset were beautiful, I couldn’t hike, run or do my “normal activities” as heavy lifting and  walking hurts after a while. I did it all anyway.

Seven years ago, we went camping ,when he was three. We woke up with snow on our tent. We were on a friends land, but that didn’t make it any “safer” it was still in the middle of no where.  Cameron does not remember the experience.

This time, he will remember a beautiful sunrise, a warm evening and a great breakfast.  We ended up at cottonwood Lake. Way up the trail, because I am not afraid of cold and I do not want him to be afraid of “cold” nights, as that is the normal when camping in Colorado. We drove up to the tree line on country rd. 306–up up up, we drove….as we did not want to be around people.

We found a spectacular spot. Away from people, near a creek.   I could not believe our luck.kayak

The minute we set up, I wanted to go hike, BUT—-my lovely ankle decided I should sit in the chair and start a fire. So that is what I did. However, I wanted to hike, walk, anything other than sit!!! I can not sit for long, even of it hurts to walk.  So we decided after a while,  to go Kayak in the lake. We fished and kayaked ( no luck with catching fish as I left the worms in the cooler) Kayaking gave my arms and abs a good work out.

I just can not stand having my ability to run–ripped—-from me and I struggle with my frustration and inability to run.  The Orthopedic doctor called to make sure I would make my appointment and I cancelled. At 50 bucks a pop, I am just angry–I told them ” ya know what–I cant fucking afford it”  Cant afford the god damn co pays so I am trying to heal myself. I am paying 50 bucks a pop for physical therapy that I have already done and to go to pay someone to tell me to RE-DO what the first PT told me to do—-well, I can do it on my own.

The secretary wasn’t that nice after my response and I really don’t care about her opinion or attitude.  After-all, I don’t want to get into how much I pay a month for health insurance that I can not even afford to use because of co-pays.

Back to camping. It is a happier place to be than where I have been with my inability to run. I am at a place now where I think I need to let it go and start biking at the Y. Focusing on swimming and perhaps a Bike, run Bike bi, or a swim bike swim Tri.

I can handle the Tri’s because everything is broken up and it is not all run run ( which I prefer) but beggars can not be chooser’s. I continue with my daily exercises with an empty heart, a doubtful heart.  A very sad heart. I crunch my toes, I do calf stretches, I wear my special insoles, I do my hip /leg lifts every day.  I walk the dog–and it still hurts. I keep going. I keep going. God Damn it–I just keep on going–and, I am not sure how long it will last. Not sure how much longer I can keep going.

I drink more though. Way more than I ever have. I do not have another release, as running was my release, and ,now that it is obsolete in my life, wine has replaced it. It sucks. Maybe more sunrises like these will keep me hanging in there and one day I will get back to my normal running life–maybe one day. Part of me has hope–and in the meantime, I can focus on the sunrises….for now. Cheers!



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