Running alone

Often I think one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made was getting the surgery that got me into this mess. Then I think that is a silly thought, I had a fracture and a 4mm piece of bone floating around in my body, and I could not walk, of course I had to get the surgery and everything happens for a reason.

I get angry over contracting an infection as well.

Sometimes the universe or God or some thing allows you to see why things happen. As a result of the surgery 7 months ago, I guess I had an experience that is considered close to death–at least it seemed that way, with the urgency involved and the priest coming to anoint me  among many other things, like the fact that I came pretty close to almost losing my leg.

Just going through that experience I have really changed. I am continuing to grow and go forward on this spiritual, personal path to better health and happiness.

Granted, I can not run every day anymore but—-I can run.  I should be grateful, but it just pisses me off that I can not run daily. My problem is not  being able to pull back and step on the brakes. Since I quit smoking over 60 days ago, I have been gaining weight.  I have gained over 15 lbs  in a short two months time. Now I can not allow myself to get fat. I refuse. For me, gaining weight is not an option. I refuse to let it happen. After all I have been through I will be damned if I become fat.

My pants are not fitting around the waste. Breasts? Oh lets talk about that craziness.  Now I understand why some women have had to wear two sports bras to run. Living a life with breasts that seem to be engorged 24/7 while not pregnant, is no way to live because they can not be drained! The ache is constant.  I do not want huge boobs. The 15 lbs seemed to go right to my waste and my chest. It sucks.

I decided to try a juice fast at one point. A three-day fast of only drinking juice. What defeated me was a three-day headache that was so bad on the third day that I had to call in sick to work. However, I felt slightly better as a result of the fast I could not finish. It did something besides give me a headache I am sure.

I only know to lose weight by running .  I have never had to count calories. I have never had to diet. So imagine my frustration at wanting to run daily, but only able to run every 3 or 4 days due to ankle pain. Imagine my frustration, when I have all this endurance power, I can charge the inclines and the hills like a kamikaze trooper, but now my leg hurts past 5 miles and the decline is my defeat.Even if I do a short 2 miles, the next day I can not run. I even put my entire foot into a bucket of ice every time I run.

Since quitting smoking, I am able to run with unbelievable endurance and stamina. Only problem is, my ankle and my muscles in my leg and that pain reaches all the way up to my hip, and in to my back. I still run. I refuse to stop. I suppose I have much more to learn. Perhaps I am using running as a crutch to not smoking and or I am also addicted to running and yadda yadda yadda yahh! There is always something.

What am I suppose to do, sit around watch tv, eat chips and become a fat cow?

What has been getting on my nerves since I quit smoking and since I started on this healthy living path, is that it is incredibly hard to find others who have the same interests as I do. Others who  consider hiking up the Manitou incline a fun day and good reason to celebrate with a FEW glasses of wine NOT a whole gallon. Who consider entering, training for and running a race a party instead of bar hopping.  Who are also parents–and who care about and act upon living an active lifestyle.

I guess I am feeling lonely on this journey.I suppose I have turned into “one of them people”  Whatever that means.

Running hurts, yes and  I love to run, I also would LOVE to do more triathlons and  talk often about it. I find that other people do not like to hear about my quit smoking progress because they still smoke. No one wants to hear about my goals to continue to try to run a half marathon and no one wants to hear about my fears of not reaching those goals.  I get replies about hiking the Manitou incline as if it is a stupidly insane thing to do to your body.

I believe making excuses about being obese and over weight is the same damn thing as being addicted to cigarettes. I smoked for 28 years. I was not only a junkie, I was also too lazy to quit. It takes energy and effort to make lifestyle changes and it takes determination and desire to do it. No matter what it is, smoking, weight loss, addiction–it takes action to change. Is everyone around me lazy? Will I forever be this lonely, because I can not find many people who think like I do.

Maybe I am the crazy one. I am starting to think I might be. Even after everything I have been through in these last 7 months, maybe the morphine did something to my brain.

I almost died, so I do not think I am the crazy one. I think I just see differently now and I believe I will find like-minded people soon. I hope it will be soon. I am getting tired of running alone.


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