I will not die so easily.

Today is the first day since April 8th that I walked the dog with-out that aching pain I have experienced since my last Garden run.  I will admit, it has saddened me deeply, as I thought I was “on my way” to a regular run schedule.

Fear and pain stopped me from being so hard-headed and I took the rest I needed to start over again. At the same time, questioning if I should continue on with my desire to run. I have seriously asked my self if I should even continue. I just can not quit that easily.

The thing is, I am trying to get a routine going and then I push myself to hard, and end up feeling too much pain. I am frustrated to say the least. I need help. Someone with experience that I do not have to PAY. I am truly alone. However, I am not alone in a  community of runners.

My emotions have been running high after watching the Boston Marathon explosions, and my heart and soul go out to all those runners and people who were hurt and so far three have died? I am proud to call myself a runner, and in every city, every run group,  we runners have all come together to “Run for Boston: , no one can tame or break the runners heart and or determination. We are solidarity in our determination to run forward…always! I am proud to call myself a runner, even if I have not been 100% They really did pick a wrong group of people to try to break. No way can they break a marathoner, half marathoner, 10k runners and triatholoners   All these “runners”, in my opinion have the biggest determination out of all people’s.

Tonight, during a snow storm, was the first night that I have walked my dog without pain. It took nine days to get to a point of no pain. So it is true, I am pushing it too fast. My heart can’t help it, I want to get back to normal! I just want to have my body back. I just want to be free of pain, of limping, of worry, I want to be free to run again! I want to be strong again. I want my legs to look the same in girth and be the same in strength.

For that entire nine days, I had pains, healing pains. I limped all over the place. I iced every night. The snapping and cracking came back, where it had disappeared when I started running again. I did my stretches and it hurt, but my actual bone hurt!!  It was a very deep pain indeed. I had pains that I never felt before, for example, the calf muscle where they cut for the faciiotomy,  it hurt like crazy! It never hurt before, but running the Garden of the God is a challenge. That pain was a set back I did not consider. My physical therapist set an appointment a month out–I think he thinks I am not trying or something. I just want someone to help me get through this crap! I am, as usual, alone in my feat.

I keep juicing, as if juicing is a “cure for all” and I somehow think it will also cure my bones and muscles. I am sure over a very long period of time, juicing is beneficial.  But I have only been juicing for a short time, since March 18th? Even with that, its costly on the budget. I have recently had to cut back to juicing only one time a day. I have replaced my coffee with a 10 oz glass of green juice. However, it’s still costly. I want to do twice a day really bad, but I can not afford it. I also have been experiencing, what i think is high blood pressure. Who would have thought after all the antibiotics, morphine and other drugs I was pumped full of, would have made such a long-term impact. Humph, my theory is I have poisoned my body with man-made drugs. It makes me want to turn one entire wall in my place into a hydroponic garden!! I wish!!

As crazy as I can be, I will probably soon be posting the creation of my in-house hydroponic garden wall. Only problem is, I do not own my place. I could maybe build a TeePee type hydroponic indoor garden and make it look pleasant, that way I can have fresh organic cucumbers and celery for free in December!

I will be honest, I am afraid to run again, even though I can walk with out pain right now. I made it to this point a few weeks ago and started to run on the dirt, and got hurt. Perhaps just sticking to the treadmill until I am strong will be a better plan. I just do not know where I went wrong. My heart got in the way. Logic went out the window. But OH how sweet and wonderful those two days were when I was running my miles in the Garden.

I will continue to just keep trying. Hearing of other people’s successes helped me tremendously. It helps me see that I too will be successful one day again in my goal to run on a consistent and regular routine.

I will not die so easily.tri


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