Writing the post previous to this one has allowed me to see how my perception in life with this leg situation desperately needs to change. I am so stuck on running and I should be thankful to have a leg, right? I just do not think that way. My PT says I have unrealistic expectations about my healing time. That is his perception.
I had a love in my life and it was taken away. I have to grieve that loss one step at a time. Hanging on to running, memories and all that is related to running, has at many moments in this experience, helped me to stay strong and not give up. Maybe I went over board with it, but I had nothing else to hang on to!! The fact that I knew I was going into surgery for a brostrom procedure and that I would not run for a while, was an accepted reality. The infection was unexpected and prolonged my healing. The infection, or whatever it was, has literally terrified me on a number of levels. It has made me re-think life, God, goals and has also made me very grateful for all I have, even if all I have is not a lot! Today I am done feeling sorry for myself.
Life can not be a pretty little list of plans. Leaning on expected outcomes is a dangerous thing to do.
Today, I realized all the things I now can do that I could not do just two-three months ago. Climbing stairs. Showering without a special shower chair. Walking the dog. Wearing two of the same shoes at once. I went through the list, no more wheel chair, no more crutches. No more elevation, no more wrapping, I still ice it sometimes but big deal. I really have improved and have come a long way in a short time.
I rearranged my entire office yesterday. I have a L shaped desk and I purposely moved it myself all the way across the room, alone. It took awhile, but I did it. I do not have unrealistic perceptions of what I am capable of doing.
I have been stuck in a funk, feeling sorry for myself. It is my choice to get out of it. I started today by going to the gym. I may not be able to run yet, but I sure can swim.
I did it. I did it for 30 minutes. I swam.
I admit, I ran in the water. It hurt, so I stopped doing it. I did laps for the entire time. I did side strokes, I did breast strokes, I did a soft jog and then in the deep end I ran without touching bottom. I am proud of myself.
I tried to talk myself out of it by telling myself that there are way too many germs in the public Y pool and the showers. Which in fact, there probably are. I took my chances anyway.It was a full day of nonsense chatter in my head. I waited until I got home to shower though. I really am afraid of germs right now. It will pass.
I even took a picture! Day one at the gym was good. I feel much better about my situation. It was not easy walking into the Y. It was not easy walking into the pool area, limping with a huge scar on my leg.
I walked anyway. I was right at home with all the old people. In fact, I love all the old Y people, I am going to look like them one day and I give them extra kudos for exercising and working toward health. They are hilarious in the dressing room. They never bothered me.
I learned from my YMCA trip today, that they offer yoga classes throughout the week. In fact, they have a good number of classes with flexible times. I am looking forward to taking advantage of those classes soon. Tomorrow, I will be peddling a bike. Until this snow melts and I get my bike in working condition, I will have to use a stationary bike.
I am ready to get rid of the atrophy and build my hip and leg strength back up and prepare my body to run again. Nothing is impossible, unless you perceive it as impossible. Having impossible expectations asking for failure. Listening to other people and their opinions can just be deceiving all together.