I figured by reading some of the best transcendentalists essays, I would feel better about my plight. Their script only drives me deeper in to a reality that I can not accept. However, I keep reading. I am no expert on these authors, I just like to read classic literature. I guess it makes me feel smart and sometimes happy. I stayed up until two am reading Emerson last night. Some nights I just can not sleep. Emerson makes me want to hike and be one with nature. He says” In the woods, we return to reason and faith. There I feel that nothing can befall me in life–no disgrace, no calamity….” ( How I would like to hike with this guy).
Time seems to be what I have too much of in the recent few weeks. With all this time, I still can not go roll around among the pine trees and the aspens. My inability to run, causes weight gain and depression. Although I have not gained pounds. I have actually lost weight ( muscle). My pants still fit fine. Underwear on the other hand, are getting a bit snug. Now I face having to increase underwear size. After that it will be all down hill. I can get back on my feet again, or just stop wearing underwear. I get stuck in valleys, trenches, hills. Not the landscape Emerson talks about, but the kind of scenery that just can drag you down. Despair and misfortune. There are no trees, no dirt, no squirrels. At least not right now through my eyes.
Lately, I have no motivation to do anything. If I stand too long, it hurts. I walk to far, I swell and forget about the next morning. It hurts getting out of bed, if I over do it with this leg. It snaps a lot now. It cracks, pops and crunches in the joint of my ankle. It feels good when it pops, unless it is cold. I wonder if it will do that while I am running?
I know what will kick-start me out of the dugout, and I know my anti-depressant does not come in the form of a little blue pill. I need to get my endorphins flowing once again. My anti-depressant comes in the form of Brooks and miles. Races and bib’s.
I walk the dog every day. Even in snow storms. I have a lot of hills in my neighborhood. I walk much faster now. I think maneuvering through snow, ice and, the elements is good practice. However, I think I need a push to do a little more than just walk the dog. I looked into Yoga. I am a social being and would like to get out and try yoga in a group. I have not been able to find a class that is on the week ends. They are all week days during lunch or during work.
I tried some yoga at home but I need a routine yoga format. Just doing the downward dog and balancing on one leg isn’t enough. I need to feel like a warrior yoga queen. I know yoga is more than just stretching. However, I need a routine. I also need to make sure I do not hurt myself. I wonder if hiring my own yoga instructor is feasible financially, and time wise. I will have to look into it.
I have thought about going back to the gym to try to ride a bike during lunch. Or swimming, but that old germ question enters my mind when I think of swimming and gym lockers. These are still options and one or two I will have to choose soon because I can not stand being stuck in this frame of mind anymore. I can envision myself running again, but the reality of actually doing it is hard to see. Then I wonder if I will be able to walk after a run? Will the result be pain and will it be worth it to put myself in that kind of pain as a result from running? I am tired of pain. It is beginning to ware me down tremendously.
For now, I will continue to read the classics, Emerson, Hawthorn, Thoreau. Maybe, I will find some relief and encouragement in their words.