It is time to purchase my new running shoes. I know I wont run this soon, but it is time to purchase them. I just want to look at them. I am eager to have brand new running shoes. My running shoe of choice are Brooks. I will be ready to run ( walk super fast?) by April. Maybe I am trying to torture myself in some sick mental way by purchasing them too soon. Not sure. I might break them in by walking Paisano faster and farther.
Tonight, my walk with Paisano was bone chilling, bitter cold. I still enjoy the crunching snow beneath my feet. The cold air on my face. The hills. He pulled a bit hard on the lead tonight because we missed yesterday’s walk. I can’t blame him for wanting to run. He missed daily walks for a solid two months. We have only been back at it maybe two weeks. I tell him often to not worry, that we will go for a run real soon. He tilts his floppy eared weimaraner head and has so many questions in his amber eyes. He knows it will be soon. He is our adopted rescue dog, but I wonder if he knows how now the tables have turned and he is literally rescuing me.
I still scratch insanely at my scar but not so much scratching on my entire foot, like in the past. The itching drives me mad. I scratch it until I bleed sometimes. It is very strange, on some days my scars raise up and itch. Even the scar on my arm from the picc line raises up and itches. All of the scars are very deep and purplish dark red. Although, on a good note, now I can see the little bones on the top of my foot. It is a wonderful site to see!! That means the edema is going away and only the scar is itching and not my entire foot! The doctor said that the edema could stay for up to a year. Shout with me, “Praise the lawd”, this is not the case. Now both my feet look close to equal in thickness and in color. I still have a long road to travel. This journey to run again, is proving difficult on various levels.
As I have learned patience but have not mastered it. I have sat immovable and frozen and thought about how much this entire situation sucks beyond any vortex of misery. I have felt hopeless, lonely, sad, angry and excited. Every time I feel hopeless, sad, angry, or impatient, I try to accept the feeling and the saying “it is what it is” has become a daily repetition for me.
When I go to physical therapy, I push myself hard. Even while knowing I have the rest of the day to walk on it, I give it my all. I am usually very sore by the end of the day. This week, an older women saw the scar on my leg and asked me if I had bypass surgery. She said it looks like the kind of scar that they make when they take part of your main artery out of your leg and use it in your heart. What could I say to her? All I could think was “hmm, never noticed the scar was that bad”. I never noticed because I have had no time to notice between the getting back to walking, and moving forward from the pain. Now I notice the scar and when I see it, I say to myself, “Good Job Geri.”
So I explained simply as possible to her what happened. I had a brostom procedure and contracted what the doctors think might have been a flesh eating infection, but they are not quite sure. I am amused at the reactions I receive and the looks on people faces when I tell them what happened to me. Maybe the word is not amused, because what people say after they hear this story is general concern and worry. I do not find it humorous on any level. I am grateful for the concern, but the reactions are different. I get wide eyes and oh my gods. Really? Now if I were hit by a bus and survived, then yeah, that would equate to the omg’s and the wows! Maybe I just try to minimize it and I do this as a habit as a form of survival. That may be a habit and a way I keep myself from falling into a deep depression over this entire experience. One person said something once that hit it on the spot. He said, “well, at least you will have a good story to tell.” That right there is perfection.
Physical therapy is an interesting growing experience for me. It is proving to be a learning phase to all this experience. My physical therapist tries to educate me. I also ask many questions. I wonder if he is glad I only spend one hour a week with him? A lot of questions is an understatement.
Last week I was required to pick up marbles with my toes. Believe it or not, I can not find any marbles in this house! So I ended up cutting pieces of wine corks into different sizes and I use those. They work great! It is not as easy as you think! It gets easier after the first glass, however. ( ha ha)
So on a daily basis I exercise. I use my latex rubber band. I do not like the rubber band, it stinks like…latex, but I force myself to do it. I do calf stretches. I do leg lifts. My back has not hurt in a few days so something is working. I walk slow and try to take a full step from heel to toe. That move usually kills me. I do enjoy daily walks with Paisano. It has helped me to heal faster.
This past week I experienced the crunchies in my foot. I do not know what it is, but I call them the crunchies and the only way to make that feeling go away is to massage it. My special bottle of Colorado extreme dry coconut lotion is depleting quickly. It also feels extremely magical to separate my toes. I have not gone out to buy a toe separator yet. I use my sock and intertwine it between my toes. It feels heavenly. I could also try to jam wine corks between my toes, god knows I have plenty of them.
During this experience,I have watched more tv then I ever have in years and years. My son and I stumbled upon Lost on Netflix. We are watching all the seasons and episodes straight through to the end. I do my exercises while watching Lost. I am now 100% character addicted. That show is almost as good as a book! I am going to always remember that show as part of my healing. Especially the characters, Hurley and Sawyer. This show has helped me take my mind off my misery and my pain while doing my nightly routine. I watch it as I do my stretches and foot therapy and it is entertaining me intensely. Hurley and Sawyer are my favorites. All the characters are my favorite really. I sometimes wish could just reach through the tv and get a huge bear hug from Hurley. And if Sawyer were going to give me a nick name I can only assume it would be “gimp along Cassidy” ( you see how not running affects my head?)
I have changed. TV never used to appeal to me. However, I can not run to fill my mind or to empty my mind. I do in fact read more, but now, I am totally addicted to Lost. I have not been this character attached from any tv show ever in my life. Only in certain books have I become character attached. You know when you never want the book to end because you know you will grieve the characters. That is a good read when that happens. I find that I do not want the show to end, because I will grieve the characters in it. Just as I grieve running. Seems life is one big good grief!! At least I am not on some remote island dealing with time travel. I am only dealing with healing from a brostrom ankle surgery and possible flesh-eating infection. Maybe the island might be better?