Dealing with stress has become difficult for me without being able to run. On days like this, compounded with carrying too much weight on my shoulders, wearing many hats as full-time single mother,as a full-time employee working with at risk youth. Worrying about my job, thankful I voted republican but angry others did not, ( which is WHY I have to worry about my job!! I wont go there.) Days like today and dealing with snow ridden streets, almost crashing twice. Days like today, having to talk to and deal with 4th grade substitute teachers and 9 year olds on learning how to communicate feelings. Playing mediator, parent, leader, supporter and friend…. I used to come home and throw on my sneakers and hit the road for a half hour or more on days like today. I can no longer do that. It’s very hard when my mind tells me, “Run Geri run, just do it today!” But my body says, “screw you crazy women, you can not even walk correctly.” Born is the world war on my shoulders, my aches verses my pains.
I feel as though I am stuck in a vortex of hell. My demon is stress building, and no release from it. On one shoulder I have an angel named ache, which can be defined as missing a good long hard run, sweat dripping from my pours, my muscles soar and gratified. My breathing and heart rate heightened to the point I may explode. The beautiful Colorado scenery surrounding me in rain, snow and sunshine. The sound of red Colorado dirt under my print. The smell of pine and sage drifting by as I forge forward, running lost in my mind. Then the real bonus is the ability to eat whatever I want. That little angel, “ache” hounds me daily. She wont go on hiatus from my shoulder until I satisfy my addiction. Temporarily she is left with only a distraught and broken heart from lack of running.
From my other shoulder comes howling blatant reprehensible wails on a daily basis, thus lives pain. Sharpe agonizing split second pings in my ankle. Pain is no friend of mine, I can define the sharp pains as someone inserting a huge needle into the side of my ankle, straight through to the other side of my bone. Thank god its fast, only hurts for a second or two, but it is constant. As a result of edema, I can not put full weight on my foot yet. It will take some time before I can. My gate is so off-balance that far too much work has been laid onto my left hip, knee and foot. I hate pain on a daily basis. However, I can assure you that the ache of not running stings far worse than any affliction I experience from here on out.
I have replaced running with physical therapy and books, James Joyce is the latest. I can relate to him because he writes about as difficult as I feel.I agree with Mr. Joyce; “All Moanday, Tearday, Wailsday, Thumpsday, Frightday, Shatterday.”
― James Joyce So I stretch and read. My stretches are simple. I trace the ABC’s with my foot. I also do calf stretches. I have thrown in sit ups to the daunting experience. Leg lifts are also plentiful in my determination to move forward with all this. The war wages on.
My range of motion has improved exceptionally. However, with every step forward it seems there are two steps backwards.
The physical therapist told me that the air boot causes plantar fasciitis. Which is not what I need right now in addition to healing from this surgery. So I no longer walk with the air boot. I keep it off as much as possible. If I do not wear it at all for a few days, I feel I am going backwards with the pain and healing but I know I am not. Trial and error.
When I run again, I will have to start from the beginning. Walk to run to race. I am ever grateful for muscle memory. Muscles wont forget their love affair with running agony. Just as my muscles seem to fight me on tracing the ABC’s. Just as my skin still swells and itches from the edema. Soon this will all be gone and I will feel the dirt, smell the sage and pine, let the sun caress my skin as it weeps unseen yet happy tears. I will look back on this blog and tell myself,” thank god it’s over.” For now, I must learn to deal with it hour by hour no matter what kind of day I have today or tomorrow. I can continue to read James Joyce and I will continue to stretch. Soon the day will come when my aches will be from the sweet satisfaction of a good, long run.