Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.
I started physical therapy yesterday. I thought I was progressing quickly, until I went to physical therapy. Today I am not so sure I will ever run again. I have high doubts today. I know on some days I will have wavering confidence in my ability to forge forward and succeed. I am depressed today because I realize the time it will take to get back to walking and running and functioning normally will take longer than I expected. It took everything I had, physically and emotionally to get to the place I am at today, right now.
I am no longer required to wear the air boot all the time. I was told to wear it four hours on and one hour off. So I carry a shoe with me everywhere I go. That lasted two days. Today I got my foot stuck in my choice of shoe. Amazing, I get my foot STUCK in the shoe, had a comical “ugh oh” moment today. So I just kept the two same shoes on all day and fought with taking it off after I got home from work. It was an experience because see, I cannot bend my foot straight. My shoe of choice was a winter style boot that went up to my knee. It was a chore to just work it out. Overall, it was a wonderful feeling yesterday when I wore my running shoes. To look down and see the same shoe on both feet was wonderful. Especially because they were Brooks on my feet! The orange Garden of Gods dirt still in the grooves. Things we take for granted.
Through physical therapy I discovered that I can not walk with out the air boot and it takes a considerable effort to do so. My muscles are weak all the way up to my hip. Well, lets take that a bit further, all the way up to my glutus maximus. I walk with an extremely wide , crooked gate. I have one very strong side and one very weak side. When I say weak, I mean in a terrible sense. I tried all kinds of ways to walk, I tried swishing my hips ( nearly impossible) I tried walking with my feet closer together, and I still have a funky sway. No way around it, I have no control over my weak muscles. I have to work my muscles back to a point they can support my entire body. I even have two different ass cheeks. One is lower and sagging, the other is — kinda nice. I am amazed at how fast you lose muscle mass. Disappointed, as my body was in great shape, but now I am thinking maybe, not as much as I thought. When I focus real hard on walking, and ignore the pain and walk slowly, I can take a few normal steps. I have little control over my muscles unless I focus.The thought of sex comes to mind, I thought “Damn it!! I wouldn’t be having this hip/sagging ass cheek problem right now if I knew any better.” Guess it is an after thought.
I also can not stand on one leg. To my surprise, I absolutely can not do it. I tried and tried. I no longer have the ability to balance. I have a lot of work ahead of me. I am disheartened and dismayed over the discovery of the long road ahead of me.
I remind myself that I have to be realistic. I have not had many sensible visions of the outcome of all this mess. I tend to think I am superwoman in her twenties. I believe my inability to grasp the matter of “factness” of the entire situation has helped me through the initial trauma that occurred in the hospital. I had my own “matter of fact” idea of how things would happen, if I was not so headstrong and determined to leave, my stay probably would have been longer and my will to get past it and heal would not have been as strong. However, now, right now, is a different story. I have to take my time and heal. I have to slowly work my way back to an active functioning individual. Today is today, tomorrow I will continue to trace my “ABC’s” in the air, do my leg lifts and practice balancing on one leg. Now it is the small steps that will carry me through to the bigger harder obstacles I must learn to overcome.
I knew physical therapy would not be easy. I try not to have expectations, but I realize the long road ahead of me will not be an easy one. Financially, it wont be easy either. It’s a huge chunk out of my budget that I can’t cover weekly. Instead of twice a week, I can only handle 1x every two weeks. On that note, I will have to do my own research and keep myself up to speed with regaining my muscle strength.
The way I feel right now is not good. I should maybe not be writing this now. I struggle with seeing my self running again. Perhaps it is the full moon rising? Possibly it is just not having enough support or people around me who think like I think. I am not comfortable with watching tv sitting on my ass doing nothing. I can not sit still and feel comfortable. At this very moment, I can not see myself running and all my grandeur thoughts of running by summer are crushed. I don’t see any of it happening, realistically. I have absolutely no muscle control and I can not bend my foot correctly to even walk normal. My whole entire body and mind wants to walk outside my door and run. Every sunset I see, I want to see it when running. Seriously, it was practically an orgasmic moment for me when I had two running shoes on my feet. It is THAT bad. Every change in temperature I feel, I relate it to “running weather” as if there is even such a thing, all-weather is running weather. However, I can not even walk. I have not run since October 2012. I am discouraged and dispirited. All I have been looking forward to is working toward that first run again…I have not run this long in a very long time. Mentally I am dismayed. My heart is broken at the realization that it might possibly not happen ever again. That is just today. It was a hard day. Physical therapy sucks.