“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. ”
~ Rabindranath Tagore
Unexpected emotions over came me today when I went to the eye doctor. I was not prepared and did not even think that I would develop some sort of fear after this experience, but apparently I have, probably a temporary fear. Today, I decided to go get my eyes checked because I can not drive at night. I have a hard time with glare from the bright headlights of other cars. I did not think twice about an eye exam, until it came time for the pupil dilation, which I politely refused.
I couldn’t believe it, as I was sitting in the chair, here is this Doctor, trying to convince me to let him put stuff in my eyes to dilate my pupils and I could not allow myself to let that happen. I did not tell him my recent experience, but I did notice that they never once wiped down the eye machines with sterile wipes or spray of any kind. They almost forgot to change the chin papers, but I made sure mine were at least five layers changed before I put my face and chin near the machine.
The Doctor became increasingly aggravated and down right rude the more I said no. I was polite, I just said no thanks and did not feel I had to give any explanation. He explained to me why it was important for me to get this procedure done, and I even agreed with him about its importance, but I was afraid to let anyone put anything inside my body, even if it is just an eye drop. Nope. It was not happening.
I suddenly felt fear. He continued to try to convince me and then he became rude. He started talking about his eight years of study and degree’s and I just looked at him as if he were stupid anyway. By that point, there was no way he was touching me.
I left the room kind of numb. He acted exactly like the Doctors in the hospital. I did not even give him a hard time, like I did with the Docs in the hospital, but he reacted like, “how dare you, a women, doubt what I say, I am god, I am a doctor!” In retrospect, I really wish I would have told him to fuck off, but I had already paid the money to see if I needed glasses.
It ended with him writing out a script for anti reflective progressive bifocals. I am a +1.00 for reading. I guess my distant vision is a +1.00 and +2.25. I see just fine. I read every night, never have had an issue with site, just driving at night. While he wrote the script he said, “I will make note to the nurse that you are in denial and to not take this script too serious, I can see it will not make a difference.” I kept my mouth shut, which is not something I normally do.
I feel that anyone who has come close to what I have experienced, would feel somewhat hesitant to allow anyone, doctor, nurse, homeopathic herb specialist, or anything like that, I would hope they start to pay extra attention to procedures that in the past, they never thought twice about. Like I said, today, I did not think twice about an eye exam, but after paying close attention to things, such as how they didn’t sterilize machines and how that Doctor acted, it just was not worth it to me. Right now, even a simple thing as eye dilation is too much for me to handle.
After all, the surgery was just a simple minimal risk surgery, not a big deal.